Beyond Being a Brown

The Great Reno Balloon Race 2011

2011-10-31T10:30:00.000-07:00

Sunrise

Original Poem by me

2011-08-24T21:48:00.000-07:00

mind racing
time blurring
missing you
chasing myself
searching rooms
finding loss

Those things that catch our attention and keep it

2011-04-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

Years ago I took an acting class through the community college. The professor was a working actor from Chicago. He told us a story of a small play he had seen when he was younger where a background character walked on stage with so much Presence that he actually upstaged the lead actor. It was not on purpose, it seemed, it was just that this bit player performed so well that he inadvertently caught the attention of the audience, or at least my professor and his friends. He claims that the upstaging offender was Robert Redford before he was famous.

Yesterday, I was flipping channels and came across a program already in progress on Directv's 101 (where they showcase channels and programs we may not be watching but might be interested in). The program was a National Geographic documentary called "The Conspirator: The Plot to Kill Lincoln" and it was fairly interesting. Now, as sometimes happens with documentaries, it's not always easy to tell when they were made. I noticed that James McAvoy was playing a part in what appeared to be reenactments, and I thought, "Wow, he was a reenactment player? But he's got such presence! Wow." Then that reminded me of the story I told you about above regarding Robert Redford. I've been a fan of McAvoy since seeing "Penelope" which is a fun movie if you haven't seen it yet, check it out.

OK, so here's the coincidence: McAvoy wasn't a reenactment player; the documentary had borrowed clips from a new film coming up. Now, I promise that I haven't seen previews or news about this movie. "The Conspirator" opened in select theaters on Friday and it's directed by Robert Redford.

I can't wait to see it.

Greg's Hat*

2011-01-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

*Modeled by someone who is not Greg. Thanks Brad!

Hannah's hat

2011-01-17T13:56:00.000-08:00

It happens to match my tote bag... Hooray for using exactly the entire remnant!

BABY BEANIE!!

2011-01-15T09:52:00.000-08:00

OMYGOODNESS! I have to make more.

Tote bag

2011-01-15T09:47:00.000-08:00

The pattern claims it's a grocery tote, but I like it enough that it might be a diaper tote. I haven't decided yet. What do you think? Not bad, eh?

Brad's Beanie

2011-01-01T18:12:00.000-08:00

Brad bugged me for a hat. He says that I make things for other people and always leave him out. Double crochet, wool, modified pattern (one hour project my ass).

[Edited to add: Looking back, I see a scarf that I made him that he doesn't wear... ahem.]

Been a long time... new baby blanket

2010-12-26T21:34:00.000-08:00

This is my first crochet project in almost exactly a year. No pattern, half-double crochet with the wrong size hook (smaller) than the yarn gauge called for, and a triple crochet border. It's a nice cozy, heavy blanket for the new baby. It has so much love crocheted into each row, and by love I might mean beagle hair...

A Big Announcement (Cross-post from Bahbrown)

2010-09-16T13:17:00.001-07:00

So, the pictures below are of Baby Brown. No, this isn't a "V" baby. Looks like a little lizard-alien, though, right?

My estimated due date is March 25, 2011 which puts me at about 13 weeks. This little bug is a wiggler and the doctor said it was a happy baby. It kicked and punched. Brad thinks it's a boy. Maybe. We'll see toward the end of October if we can tell.

Hannah is excited. Brad is excited. I'm excited, but I will tell you that I am exhausted and tired of getting sick.

"Blockade Billy" by Stephen King is not for kids. Period.

2010-07-03T20:12:00.001-07:00

It's a short story paired with "Mortality". It's bound in a small hardback volume. It has a sort of Rockwell-esque illustration on the cover. It has foul language, sex, violence, and more of those sorts of things. It is not for kids. Don't judge a book by its cover, folks. But do read this book if you like Stephen King and are over 18. I enjoyed the stories. Well, as much as I could without freaking out that my 12 year old nephew was also going to read the book. Don't worry, I called his mother and put the brakes on that. I know. I sucked all of the fun out of life for the kid, but he can read it when he's older.

Blah.

2010-06-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

I'm not getting a whole lot done these days. Ugh. But hey, here's a blog post. Check that one off of the ol' to-do list, eh? I did get through two Austen books, though. I enjoyed "Pride and Prejudice" more than "Sense and Sensibility". "Persuasion" is next after a little baseball a la King. I did print out a couple of summer crochet patterns, but haven't picked up the craft again. But, yeah, here's a blog post. A completely boring laundry list of tedium but it's better than nothing. Right.

Did you know my brother is in a band?

2010-04-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

Did you know my brother is in a band? Did you know his band is very active in the Reno community and very active in raising money for charities?

Visit: http://bigremote.net/

Also, YOU can help them win the KRZQ FM 100.9 Spring Forward by Paying Forward contest. This month they're helping out cuddly animals. Just donate under Big Remote. http://www.spcanevada.org/events/special/springforward.shtml

Green

2010-03-04T14:03:00.001-08:00

I've been a bit overwhelmed lately because I'm trying to do too much so I'm cutting corners a bit for the sake of knocking off three blog posts in one. I'm blogging, craft boasting, and putting up a Theme Thursday post all in one quick picture. As a beginner's project, I sewed t-shirts into grocery bags as a way of recycling. One of them happens to be green. That's Han's favorite.

Mirror

2010-02-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

This week's Theme Thursday is Mirror. I'm a day late, but here goes:

I look without seeing
into my own eyes
what do people see?
I don't know the whole
just pieces of me
hair, lips, eyebrows
not a face but facets
I am cheated
When, how will I watch
my own eyes change color?

Red

2010-02-04T08:29:00.000-08:00

Red

I never willingly wore red when I was younger. I always stayed with those colors complimentary to the winter skin tone I was supposed to have according to that seasonal make-up trend. I wore blue in every shade, green, and gray. There was a lot of denim in my wardrobe back then as well. The only red shirts I had were part of my Godfather's Pizza uniform. I hated the red visor that went with it as well. I was convinced it was the ugliest thing I owned, but you wear what the people paying you want you to wear, right? At least the tomato sauce stains weren't as noticeable. Red was never a color I bonded with well. All of my dishes and linens were blue. I shied away from red and, looking back, I don't know why. Now, I look around and red is peeking out at me from everywhere. I have a red phone, red file folders at my desk, a favorite red sweatshirt that I snagged from my husband, red blankets, candles, portable speaker, Tupperware (and a lot of it), cooking pots and pans, and more than one pair of red socks. Maybe I'm pulling in little bits of red to make up for denying myself such an energizing color. Maybe I just like the color more now that I'm not wearing it for a living.

My latest projects.

2009-12-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

I've been on a roll! This was a pattern that came with this fun lime green sport yarn. I made this for Elizabeth because she likes lime green.

My sister asked me for a striped scarf in Reed Raider colors. Here it is! It's a bit wide, but it gauged correctly so I guess it's supposed to be wide to be extra cozy for those chilly football games next season.

Brad was a bit jealous that "everyone else in the world and your sister" got something crocheted by me so I made him a scarf which he actually likes. It's snuggly without being too fem, he says.

Sherrie's Gift

2009-10-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

This was my largest project yet and also the one that's taken the longest. I made this shawl for my former boss, Sherrie. She is a fantastic lady and I loved working with her. I found this yarn and immediately fell in love with the pattern and texture. I made up my own pattern for this project which is basically alternating rows of single stitches then spaced double stitches. One of the things that happened is that the shape of this shawl ended up in sort of a parallelogram instead of a rectangle or even a trapezoid. I also had such a great learning experience making it.

Post-Op follow up (Partial cross-post)

2009-09-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

I went to my my post-op follow up appointment today. The doctor said that the cyst was benign and that is not malignant which is good. He also said that it could take another week before I feel like all of my energy is back.

Post-Op update (late)

2009-09-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

I'm doing OK. I'm sore and tired but moving around a bit more today than yesterday. I'm starting to get an appetite but food still causes some queasiness so I had cream of wheat for dinner tonight. Yay. I hope I can eat ribs before the weekend is through. I have my follow up appointment next Thursday.

Nerves

2009-09-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm trying not to be nervous about my little surgery tomorrow morning, but it's hard not to be. I know that doctors these days are such experts at what they do and I'm supposed to be able to go home tomorrow afternoon. They said it should only take about a week to recover. It's just that they are still going to cut open my body to remove something and then sew me back up. It's a little unnerving. I'm cool, though. I'll be fine.

It's a strange turn of events that makes me a little grateful for the technology that we have in this day and age. It's a little bit of looking on the bright side of things as well. Last year, I had a miscarriage. I had another one last month and that's when they found the cyst. Since there wasn't a cyst on my ovary last year when they took the ultrasound pictures at the hospital, it's a probability that I've developed this thing in the last year. It's fairly large. The doctor made a circle shape with his index finger and thumb but didn't close the circle. That's larger than a golf ball, if you ask me. Because I can't feel this thing (no nerve endings on the ovaries, don't you know) it could have continued to grow and become problematic. But because I was pregnant they did early ultrasounds and found it. It doesn't look malignant on the ultrasounds and I'm sure they'll take a look at it to make sure, but it could have been and I wouldn't have known.

I'll try to post later tomorrow or Thursday to let you all know how it went. In the meantime, my husband may tweet about it: http://twitter.com/indeeart.

Serendipity and salutations.

A Little List

2009-08-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

My first year as a stay-home-mother/housewife has passed and I've felt a little lost lately. I used to be a professional working woman. I used to use problem solving skills and software programs to fill my day. Now, I struggle to figure out what, besides dino nuggets, we can have for lunch today. I sometimes feel like some helpless version of June Cleaver, but the Bizarro World version. You remember Bizarro World, right? I'm rough edged and not quite right? But waking up this morning and coming out of that little dream reminded me: I'm not helpless and I'm more well rounded than I tend to remember.

This list is mostly for my benefit, but maybe you will be able to take something from it. Maybe you didn't know me as well as you thought or maybe you'll make your own list. Some of the things in this list may seem elementary and simple, but you wouldn't believe how many people don't know how to do these things or just don't even try.

These things are just in the order that I've thought of them and no other particular sequence has been given to them (*OK, I went back and grouped a little bit*):

I know how to check my tire pressure and put air in my tire.
I know how to change a tire on my car. I may have trouble lifting a tire without killing whatever outfit I have on, but I can get it done.
I know how to put snow chains/cables on my tires and which tires they go on.
I know how to check my car's oil and refill it.
I know that I don't need to have my air filter changed every time I go to Jiffy Lube, no matter what they tell me.
I know how to use a level, screw driver, and hammer.
I know how to find a wall stud.
I know how to read directions/instructions.
I know how to assemble furniture.
I know how to put up a tent.
I know how to build a proper fire.
I know how to put out a fire.
I know how to build an emergency outdoor shelter.
I know how to tie that "rabbit goes around the tree and down the hole" knot. I don't know the name of it though.
I know how to paddle a canoe.
I know how to read a (paper and online) map.
I know how to use a compass.
I know how to read a topographical map.
I know basic first aid and CPR.
I know how to fix a leaky faucet.
I know how to remove a shower head and (gasp) remove that stupid little water saving device. Forgive me, my eco-friends, I'll save water elsewhere. I don't believe it's really saving that much water if it takes twice as long to rinse shampoo out of my hair.
I know how to repair a hole in a wall.
I know how to wash my own dog.
I know how to wash my own car.
I know how to install a hard drive in a PC.
I know how to connect peripherals (mouse, speakers, keyboard, lcd, monitor, etc.) to a computer.
I know how to connect entertainment/electronic equipment. For example, the TV is hooked up to the DVR, DVD, VCR (yes, we still have one), CD player, and game console. All of these are routed so that I can turn on the amlifier and listen to anything we play in stereo (surround sound if we had more speakers set up.)
I know how to balance a checkbook register.
I know how to perform inventory and calculate cost.
I know how to calculate change from a transaction without a calculator or cash register.
I know how to cook rice. (Again, this is one of those things some people don't even try.)

Before you judge my pathetic little list, remember that I know more than this, but this is the stuff I forget about knowing. I'm not helpless and it makes me feel better knowing that.

Filling up space

2009-08-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

I'm neglecting my blog, but at least I've found time to shave my legs on a regular basis. I guess I'd be asking too much to be hairless and have time to write.

I'm suffering through an earache right now. It doesn't hurt so bad that I can't make it through the weekend, but it is uncomfortable. Woe is me. I know, no one cares. What else is new?

Not much is new, actually. Thanks for nothing, right? Well, you are quite welcome.

Theme Thursday - Stage

2009-07-16T06:00:00.000-07:00

lights calling
"come out"
forget yourself
inside stolen souls
bought with applause
heart pounding
breaking
sweet, sweet moments
lingering
curtains close

-by me

[More information about Theme Thursday on Blogger]

lag time

2009-07-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

hearing The Time Warp
a distant hum in my brain
thinking of slips and rips
tripping over missing moments
racing clocks and blocks on the calendar
three weeks passed quickly to become past
where did they go?

-by me

Well, that's that, I guess.

2009-06-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

I spent $5.99 on an iPod application. It was for a game that was very popular and tons of PC users loved it in the early 90s. I bought Myst.

I played it and played it and finally used the hints and online walk-throughs. I immersed myself in the game. I think I enjoyed it. So, why do I feel let down? If I had a computer of my own in the early 90s would I have played it and played it and played it until I solved it on my own? Would I have even bought the game?

I'm not sure. There are reasons I didn't have a computer of my own in that time of my life. First, there was the money issue. I was just out of high school and should have been going to college, but mostly I was slinging pizza so, yeah, there was not a lot of cash flowing there. Second, I wasn't a computer geek. I may have been a bookworm, but I didn't spend a lot of time in front of a computer. (See the first reason.) So, would I have played this game? I don't think so.

I'm not sorry that I waited either. I don't know if I was smart enough to play this game back then. And this was before good search engines, so it might have been hard to find help. Also, would someone have created hint guides and walk-throughs that quickly? Chat rooms were available but they were already sticky with perverts, so I might not have used that.

I don't really have a point, I guess. I'm just rambling. I do want to play more in this series of games, though. I might have to look into that. . . And, I wonder if there are other old-timey CD-ROM games coming to new portals. Does anyone remember Monkey Island? Lucas, what do you think?

Theme Thursday - Swing

2009-06-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

One of my few memories of being a small child in Louisiana is of swinging. I must have been about four or five years old and at a day care. I remember an overcast sky against the silvery green of the trees with moss hanging from the bows. I remember swinging. My legs would pump and I would go higher and higher. I would call to Teacher to look at me. "See me, Teacher! Wee!" I called. Then, I remember a silly thing. I remember smiling so big that my eyes got sort of squinty. Then, I thought to do something that gave me such a thrill. I closed my eyes. What a huge rush that was for such a small child. I remember feeling so excited to be flying through the air behind the darkness of my eyelids.

It's an interesting exercise to try to put words to something I experienced as a child. An experience that, as a child, I didn't have words for. There wasn't a need for language then. There was just the moment and the sensations associated with pumping your legs while sitting on a piece of rubber hanging from chains hanging from a metal frame. That's a lesson for me to remember today, I think. Put the words away for a moment and just experience the sensation of now.

Quaint

2009-06-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

We went to the most quaint little place in Northern California with my mother-in-law this weekend: Graeagle, California. I believe that my sister-in-law grew up there and she's sweet.

It's very quaint in that it has an old-fashioned attractiveness and charm.

For the perfect example of quaint, visit Graeagle. It's a sweet little place with a small town market place with sweet little shops and where all the buildings are painted the same color.

Stich after stich after stich after. . .

2009-05-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

I've been crocheting for about two years. I've followed a couple of patterns, but I have also made up my own. Mostly, my projects have been an exploration of this craft and using the medium of yarn to make an art form. Crochet is an art and the act of crocheting is a craft. One of the things I'm learning is that mistakes happen. And most of the time, a mistake happened about two or more rows ago by the time I find it.

I've been working on my largest project yet. I'm making a wrap for my former boss, Sherrie. I've been working on it for a few weeks now. I work on it while watching the news. I carry it with me and get a few stitches in whenever I'm a passenger in the car. At swim lessons, I can get through a row and a half while the husband and kid are blowing bubbles and doing Tigger bounces.

I'm really enjoying the look and feel of this wrap and I think it will be beautiful when it's finished. I've put about four skeins (balls) of yarn into it and have had times where I've had to undo a row or two to fix a mistake I'd just noticed. I worked on it last night for a bit and boy, oh boy, if I didn't just find another mistake. In the second row. Holy cow, that's thousands of stitches back. I'd have to unravel almost four skeins of yarn and several weeks of work to fix it. I put the crochet needle down and stared at this pile of work in my lap.

I couldn't even imagine starting over. I just about cried with the thought of having to undo all of this work to make the wrap perfect. Then, I sat back and looked at it and realized that I must have missed another mistake somewhere else because this last row I was working on wouldn't end in the right place for the turning row. So, what to do? Unravel four skeins of yarn and start over? No. That would break my heart and I probably wouldn't be able to start over. All of that work for nothing? That made me sad. So, I made a decision instead. I decided to insert a mistake to make things work out.

I decided that imperfection is perfectly all right. If anyone who sees this garment on the wearer notices a couple of stitches that aren't perfectly spaced, then they would probably be standing too close to Sherrie in the first place. The mistakes in this wrap also prove that it was hand-made, by a beginner no doubt, but still hand-made.

I discovered an interesting chain of feelings while I processed all of this. The feelings of pride and achievement that come with investing your time and energy in a tangible product. A satisfaction that comes from engaging creative energy. The fear and doubt that the product may not be worthy of appreciation. The control of taking charge and making decisions. The best part, though, is that I feel empowered by the acceptance of imperfection.

I'm not finished yet, I need a few more inches of width and I really hope she'll like it when it is finished. But it looks great so far - if you don't look too closely. I'll post pictures later when it's done.

Update: The finished project is here.

Mother, oh Mother

2009-05-10T20:21:00.000-07:00

Mother. That word is such a strange power. It is also very subjective.

I was thinking of different women that I've known; different mothers.

I knew a woman once who said she hitchhiked across Arizona with all of her small children in tow to escape an abusive husband. I admired her for her bravery.

One woman I knew gave up being around her kids to escape an abusive relationship also, but she wasn't able to take her children with her. She had to leave them with their dad and was given minimal supervision because he had better lawyers. She went on with life, but her joy was gone. I really feel sad for her.

Then there are women who think that their children owe them something for keeping them alive. They think that they should be the center of the universe and that no one is as important as they are. One woman I know in particular uses the fact that she gave birth as a tool to manipulate her children and gain attention. It saddens me and angers me at the same time.

Children are a gift. My child is my greatest gift. I would show appreciation for this gift by raising her right and caring for her until I can no longer do so. If you love something, cherish it and protect it. If you love someone, cherish them and protect them.

Update on our little expirement

2009-05-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

Do you remember that tomato that had seeds sprouting right inside it? Remember that we stuck the whole tomato in some dirt in a pot and watered it? We promised you a follow up and guess what- it sprouted!

[cross-post]

Where did that chocolate bunny go?

2009-04-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

I think it means we're doing something right by Hannah (and ourselves) that we haven't gone through all of the Easter candy yet. What was left of that big ol' choco-bunny was getting in my way, though, so I slapped some melted marshmallows between two graham crackers and dipped them in Mr. Bunny that I melted along with an extra Hershey's bar I had in the fridge. Yum, yum, yum, S'mores!
The best reduce, reuse, recycle idea I've had in a long time, if I do say so myself.

Capturing Light

2009-04-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

On one of those cloudy yet not completely unbearable days we had last week, I noticed the setting sun had gone down below the clouds and this tree was just glowing in the sunlight. I liked the contrast with the gray sky but by the time I had fetched the camera and a tripod to steady it, the effect had lessened. This is just a hint of that golden glow. [Remember, I'm using a little snap-n-shoot. I don't have a grownup digital camera. The tripod is for the steadiness I don't have in my hands right now.]

As the sun set further, I turned west. Our neighbor's mulberry tree is rebelling against the recent branch trimming it was just given.

Of course, you can't have a camera out and get away without taking pictures of the little one. No, really, you can't because she'll ask you, "What about my picture? Take a picture of me!"

Whoa, Keeley!

2009-04-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

My adventure reading the book "Hissy Fit" by Mary Kay Andrews started with mentioning that I was getting ready to read it for my book club on the sidebar of this blog. Then, there was a (two, actually) comment left on my site by the book's author. Go ahead and check it out real quick. It's really cool, I'll wait. . . Awesome, right? That was followed by excitement then anxiety. I hadn't actually started reading it yet at the time of the comments and got nervous. What if I didn't have fun reading it? So, I got right on that first page. Before I knew it, I was finished reading it and casting the made-for-TV movie in my imagination. Mira Sorvino could play an older thirty-something for the lead or Katherine Heigl could be fun to watch in the role of Keeley.

I really enjoyed reading this one for our book club. I think we all agreed it was lighthearted and fun. There were some little surprises and it really kept the book grounded and real enough to relate to. The characters were believable, for the most part. My favorite part is that the author took time to leave a comment or two on one of her reader's blogs. How absolutely classy is that? Absolutely.

Kathleen's Gift

2009-04-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law, who lives in the mountains, requested an extremely long scarf. This one is five and a half feet in length. That's taller than me!

I used the same yarn as Susanne's scarf: Lion Brand Yarn's Homespun Fashion Yarn in "Shaker" color. I used a size K/10 1/2/6.50 mm hook. This was done in a single crochet rib stitch lengthwise with a single crochet border. The end result is a very sturdy scarf that still has a cozy feel with the style of yarn chosen. I really enjoy this yarn because it is very forgiving for a beginner so that mistakes and tension inconsistencies are not very noticeable. This was about a 12 hour project.

Susanne's Gift

2009-04-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

This is a sleeve or tube scarf that I made with Lion Brand Yarn's Homespun Fashion Yarn in "Shaker" color. I used a size US P-15/11.50 mm hook. I skip-spaced double crochet around full stitches to make a clean holey look based on that favorite shawl pattern I like. I fastened it with a slip stitch on the wrong side. Contact me and I can try to write up a full pattern if you're interested in recreating this. It was about a four hour project.

My Addiction

2009-04-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

I can't help it. I used to sell it. I used to have so much in my house that I had to give it away to friends and family. I still have more than most people. I want more. I just like to hold it, look at it, put things in it. It makes me happy. Like I said, I used to sell it, but being a consultant for me was like being a druggie working in a pharmacy. I spent all of my commission on more. It's not a Desperate Housewife thing either, because I've been buying Tupperware since I was a young adult in my first apartment(s). I love this plastic stuff!

Fu-unky Ripe Tomato

2009-03-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

These are hydroponic tomatoes from the grocery store. The fruit itself wasn't fuzzy or rotten in any way. I just noticed some strange dimpling in the skin. Upon closer inspection, I realized that the seeds were sprouting inside the tomato. Now that's ripe. We are a silly family and decided to stick a whole tomato into some potting soil and water it. We'll let you know how it turns out.

[cross posted on other blog]

Daisy's Gift

2009-03-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

Daisy is my brother's girlfriend. She's the greatest. I wanted to crochet her a special gift for her birthday, which was Saturday. I started out with one scarf and had leftover yarn, so I made a second. If she wants to, she can give Eric the smaller one or keep them both for herself.

The original gift: made based on the pattern I've used for the shawls but by my own design. This was about an 8-10 hour project.

The bonus gift: made based on a pattern from a book on how to make a sampler afghan but by my own design. This was about a 3-5 hour project.

I can try to write out patterns for anyone who is interested in recreating any of my projects. I usually kind of wing it, but I'm willing to lay it down in summary or even formal pattern.

Sepia toned prose

2009-03-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

I remember summers as a kid being golden. Not just fun and the good old days, but the pictures in my memory are colored with the gold of a July sunrise. That hour or so after the sun is over the hills and the morning is part way between the cool of night and the heat of the day. The sidewalks were welcoming to children in sneakers and on bicycles. Those were the days when we could run and run and run around the neighborhood without any direction or destination.

I remember the empty farm land that is now a housing development. I remember seeing horses grazing in a field next door to our elementary school. There was another little girl who would stand at that back fence with me and guess their names. I remember running through old farmland ruins and finding the place where they slaughtered the pigs and looking at the various bones that were left. We would pretend it was an archeological excavation. The grass that grew up around faded fence posts and sun bleached chicken coops was yellow and so was the sage that was taking over. Everything was forgotten and waiting to be discovered. Again, that golden hue was around it all as the day heated up and the beetles started buzzing.

Memory is a funny thing. I've seen sunrises and I've been up early in the morning, but I haven't seen the golden mornings of youth since. Maybe I'll try looking again this summer. If I don't have much luck, maybe I'll try looking through my daughter's eyes.

Our Little Tenant

2009-03-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

I'm lazy-blogging because I'm just not up to writing a post these days. We'll see how it goes after the meds are adjusted. But for now, here is our little squatter on the front corner of the house.

I love hearing them sing in the morning and I like that I can attribute the strange night rustling noises to something real and alive. Especially after watching something like "1408".

Inspiration

2009-03-11T17:42:00.000-07:00

I've been uninspired lately. Maybe it's just March. Maybe it's my busy schedule. Maybe I've just come down with the hum-drums. But I forget, that sometimes it's best not to wait for inspiration to write. Sometimes, it's best to write and inspiration will come. Why do I get inspired when writing about writing? Because I'm a self-titled writer. I'm a published poet, believe it or not, but at heart, I'm A Writer. Do I write a lot? Not much. Have I written anything worthwhile? Not many of us do. I identify with the world of the word smith. That is me. So, why is it so hard to write on a regular basis? I don't try hard enough. That's sad really. It's like an artist who just doesn't pick up her paint brush or sketch pad.

Back to the inspiration thing. I've been hit with inspiration before. Hit with it like a rhino smacking into a zebra. Full on force, t-boning me in the face. I even ripped off the side of a 12 pack carton to scribble out a poem once. I've gone into other worlds and created a picture of text for others to enjoy. But then there are times when there is this void of nothingness that engulfs my imagination. If it is left to fester too long, the void will swallow everything and there will be nothing left. Remember "The Never Ending Story" from the 80s? Yeah, like that.

I think that exercise helps. I believe that if I can stretch these muscles and punch out some type-set, then the imagination will grow back and with it, will come inspiration.

Just a lucky shot, but a very cool picture.

2009-03-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

(cross-posted)

Puff Pastry is my favorite thing

2009-03-03T19:38:00.001-08:00

You can wrap cheeseburgers in it, make pocket pizza puffs, make tomato and tapenade tarts, and of course pastries. You can drizzle it in butter and Parmesan cheese and dip it in garlic infused olive oil. You can take left over scraps, rerolled and cut into triangles and bake it and drizzle it with blueberries cooked in margarine and brown sugar with ice cream a la mode. I love this stuff.

Hannah's blanket

2009-02-28T09:32:00.000-08:00

Hannah asked me to make her a ni-night (blanket). It's roughly the same size as her purple one that is her favorite. She picked out the pink color and when I needed more yarn, I decided to use a different color for the border and let her choose between ecru and two purples. She chose this purple. I did not use a pattern and this took approximately three skeins of yarn. The body is stitched in half-double crochet and the border is a treble crochet.

(Cross-posted on other blog.)

Ack!

2009-02-27T13:53:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in over a week! That really doesn't help the writer's block any. The pressure, the blank white nagging page of pressure, of having nothing meaningful or clever to say or write about is only making it harder to put words on the page. Then there's the little Demon of Doubt who sits in the corner and mockingly asks, "Who's going to want to read what you write anyhow?" It's hard to ignore him. If I was writing on paper, I could crinkle and crumple up the trashed drafts and throw them at him, but I'm typing so I guess I'll look for paperclips. I can't really throw my keyboard keys at him.

Back on track. Focus is a problem for me when trying to think of something to write as well. I can't keep a thought in my head very long before someone or something creates a distraction and I've got to switch gears. It's hard to write something when someone wants you to wipe her nose or look for his iPod earbuds. I gave up for a while.

Another problem maker for me is my tendency to be too direct. I have a habit of saying just what I mean and I think that should be enough, no explanation needed. My fault is I think I don't need to expand on the statement I just made because I just spoke the truth. I don't have anything else to add to that. See? It's kind of self defeating, isn't it?

Thanks for putting up with the rambling. At least it is a post.

Favorite space

2009-02-19T17:06:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking about favorite spaces. I don't have one here at this house. That's pretty strange, right? I need to make a favorite space. I think I might have one in the back yard if it wasn't the ragged mess that it is right now. I think that will be part of my goal for the spring and summer. We need to make a place back there for me to love and love being. I'll put a bench there or just a chair for me, maybe. Ooh, some little flower pots around and a small table big enough for just my teacup and a small citronella candle. And the dog won't be allowed to poop there. He's got to reign it in, really.

Who knew I'd be good at this?

2009-02-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

This is a shawl I made the first time that I ever crocheted. I was following a pattern but it didn't turn out right. It was supposed to be adult size, but it's cute anyway. These were taken with the Palm Centro, so they are not top quality images.

This is what the first shawl was supposed to look like except this one is a bit small because I didn't know what to look for for gauge and I ran out of yarn. I figured out the pattern this time.

This is a scarf that I made as an experiment and I like how it turned out. I didn't use a pattern.
This one, I made for my mom and another one like it for Brad's mom. I based it on the pattern of the pink shawl above.

Oh, Annie Freeman, you fictional you.

2009-02-17T22:11:00.001-08:00

My book club just finished and discussed a book by Kris Radich. "Annie Freeman's Fabulous Traveling Funeral" was the book. I'm not a professional book reviewer so my report will not be as up to snuff as, say one that my friend(s) could write, but this is my impression.

This book felt like two bodies of writing to me. One is an essay on women's relationships and the emotional journey of grief. The other is a nice novel about women on a traveling funeral.

I thought it was a nice story as far as the band of women rallying around in their grief to fulfill their dead friend's wishes. I don't know that I believe the depth at which all of the women were able to delve into their emotions, identify and classify them and discuss their feelings with such well written and intricate dialogues. That was a little much. Maybe it's because I'm not in my mid-fifties. Maybe I'm too straight forward and practical. Maybe I never bought the line about women having a special bond that the other sex doesn't get. I don't believe it still. I don't have that bond with women, anyway. Not that I know of. Sure, childbirth, menstrual cramps, and being the weaker sex are all things we have in common. I just don't think that gives us an instant connection. What does give us a connection is our experiences. Sharing them and letting others become a part of our existence. That's where bonds come from, not our sex. I also don't think people talk that way. At least, no one I know does.

Read it with a grain of salt, a hankerchief, and a glass of wine. Also, read it in two frames of mind: essay and novel.

Excercise

2009-02-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

The idea is to write and write and write just to get something down on paper, er uh, that is to say screen. To just work out the words and stretch the muscles in the brain that produce the things that people will read. The problem with this is that it often produces---- be right back.

The other idea is to do this uninterrupted to get a stream of thoughts down to explore later. So, it's important to keep goin---- what now?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, you're supposed to keep going without self-editing to get as much down as possible in order to have your thoughts stay free and let them form what they will. So, try to write for ten minutes without stopping--- oh for heaven's sake!

Sigh. Maybe I'll try again later.

Just Five More Minutes Please?

2009-02-09T10:14:00.000-08:00

give me more
I crave it
the wanting
too strong to resist
I can't wait
for more
the heaviness
the dark
the comfort
the rest
let me have it back
the inside of my eyelids.

-by me

One thing at a time

2009-02-06T17:50:00.000-08:00

It seems that we prize multitasking and being constantly busy in today's world. I find peace in doing certain things one at a time. Some things that I believe to be best left to single-taskedness are (I know I just made up a word, but it's the best word I could think of to describe what it needs to):
(in no particular order)

putting on socks
putting on underwear
drinking hot tea
showering/bathing
shaving
reading
writing
operating heavy machinery, including motor vehicles
making all' Alfredo sauce.
eating a good meal
having a conversation
walking the dog
playing pretend with your kid(s)
staring at clouds

I'm sure there's more that could be added, but that's what I've thought of.

A little Thursday poem

2009-02-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

I love today
the light is just a little gray
it colors the views
and softens winter hues
what little sky peeks through
is brighter in its blue
the promise of rain
will not cause me to complain
I love today
and the comfort of gray

-by me

Three Rs: How we do it

2009-02-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

Recycle

When I was growing up, the recycling effort was just being introduced to school aged children as something they could do as a fun project at home. This was children's work, it seemed, well in my house anyway. We recycled cans. We had a lot of cans from sodas and beer that my folks would have now and then. We could go with my dad sometimes to the Recycling Circus which was (is it still there?) under an overpass. I was extremely disappointed that it wasn't really a circus. Something has stuck with me, though. My household recycles and I'm probably the most passionate about it. We have a small trash bin under the kitchen sink and collect rinsed out cans, jars, and bottles. I try to crunch cans and milk bottles as best as I can to make more room. Our city provides free recycling bins and doesn't charge us for collection of these. We usually have only a few items in the glass bin, but our plastic and tin bin overflows and we are often putting the extra plastic items in a bag off to the side.

Reduce

My household is trying to use less paper products during our everyday lives. Sometimes, paper plates and paper towels are necessary, but we try to use them sparingly. I also found that using refillable liquid hand soap is a little way to reduce waste. We aren't throwing out bottle after bottle. Also, Method has my favorite refill method (no pun intended.)

We also have purchased five reusable grocery store bags and use them religiously. We get five cents per bag discount and have stopped collecting plastic bags. When we do need an extra bag, I opt for a paper one that I can use to collect the paper recycling or for crafts. That probably belongs in the next section.

Reuse

I've started a collection of various items like empty paper towel tubes, extra paper bags, scraps of wrapping paper, etc. My daughter and I use them for craft times. We also reuse any plastic grocery bags as puppy-poop bags and line our small trash cans with them instead of buying bags for that.

Our green trash bin on an average collection day is only half full, if that (provided there's no yard waste). We are contributing half the trash of an average household (in my neighborhood, in my estimation) to the landfill. I'm extremely proud of us.

Spread The Word About St. Baldrick's Foundation

2009-01-30T14:34:00.000-08:00

Check out this Webpage!

Support my husband as a shavee and raise funds for childhood cancer research.

Rebellion

2009-01-29T15:54:00.000-08:00

What is it about our parents that gets us going in the opposite direction? I'm a grown up now and just as grown up as my folks were when they were my age. There is still something though, that lingering adolescent angst that makes me step back and ask, "Who do they think they are with that advice and wisdom?" I think one thing that bothers me, is that I know I'm moving closer to where they are in the ways of wisdom and advice and I know that they were/are right most of the time. I also know that as time moves on, I'm the one who will be rebelled against and I fear that time.

First Post!

2009-01-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

On the other blog, BAHBrown.blogspost.com, I had some feedback that I probably let get to me too much. The blog started as a way to let people know what our family was up to. It was originally supposed to be on our own family website that Brad was designing but never finished. Then, when I started to stay home, I had the idea to use it to keep Brad informed on our day-to-day activities since he's missing out while he's at work. This evolved a little to where we put in some family email addresses so that they can get emails every time the blog is updated so they don't have to find the address each time. Well, back to the feedback. I was asked not to put in my "guilty things", whatever that means. Someone else commented that it was clear that I got frustrated but that was OK. In other words, and this is my opinion, "keep us up to date on the kid but keep your feelings out of it." Fine. I'll put my feelings here.

I don't feel like I'm allowed to express myself in any other forum, sometimes. Oh, sure, a private notebook that sits on my bedside table that goes woefully ignored. Because feelings are supposed to be private, right? Not right. Not OK. We all have feelings. Some of my favorite bloggers have shared theirs and it's helped me. Maybe I can help someone else. Or just help myself.

I get frustrated with parenting. I get frustrated being a parent. I get frustrated being a wife, daughter, sister. From what I can tell in conversations with other parents, I'm not alone. So let's talk about this. Let's help each other sort it out.

Well, here is my first post on my solo blog that isn't on MySpace or LiveJournal. Not that there is anything wrong with blogging there, but Blogger is sort of a one stop-shop for me.